I'm in a weird sombre mood again, exhausted yet unwilling to sleep. Often it is because I feel I haven't created anything for the day; other times, it is something weighing on me, unresolved.
We left the office around 8-ish, had dinner at Scott's. The pasta was excellent and the cookies really sinful. Sabby is lucky to find a man who cooks and washes up. Doreen and I decided to call it a night at 2230. We were both tired and it looks to be a long week ahead.
The cabby was very nice and didn't complain about my $50 note. The cats were starving when I got home. Fed them a can of Felidae and they gobbled it up. Boy's now napping by my side on the couch, with Tux on the table, dozing.
I feel like starting another painting but it's really late. I know I won't stop till I'm done and that'll be another 2 hours at least. I'd love to be a full-time artist but I doubt I'll ever have the luxury. Anyway I'll need to hone my work much more.
My grandmother is now 95, at least according to her IC, which is purportedly wrong. She could be anywhere from 95-97. Still alert but slightly demented. When I look in the mirror, I see her staring back at me. I wonder how much of her temperament I inherited.
I remember stories my Dad used to tell us about her when she was young. She was strong-willed and tyrannical, but also canny and business-wise. She had a tough life but she brought up my Dad and his brother almost single-handedly, and started a couple of businesses to keep her family going.
To see her so childlike now feels strange. I talk to her and she smiles, patting my hand or leg. She plays with my niece's toys. There is almost no more of that woman I adored and respected dearly when I grew up. Do we all come full circle in life? Begin and end as children?
It makes me cherish the moments I am alive, and much more, the ones I love while they live. Life is so impermanent that as living breathing sentient beings, it is almost inconceivable to imagine a complete cessation of existing. Last year, I watched my beloved aunt fight for her life as cancer cells ate her up from inside. She was so frightened to die. She was only 50.
No matter how I try to rationalise it, there is no acceptable explanation of the necessity of death. It is there and it is waiting, whether we live 50, 80, 100, 200, 1000, 1 million years. What matters is right now, to seize the day now, and to encapsulate the moment now. It is so easy to get caught up in the daily rush and forget to cherish the moments that pass us by too quickly.
We have no choice. We might as well make the best of it. Until technology can help us survive our sun's death, move out and thrive in the hazards of space, outlive the expanding universe and impending freeze, and sustain us for the infinite future, we will all die sometime.
A rather sombre post at this late hour but I guess the darkness brings out all the demons in us.
A rather uneventful Sunday. I put Sky Captain on DVD and turned it off after 10 minutes. Way boring. Then decided to try the director's cut of Helter Skelter and surprisingly enjoyed it. It was rather disturbing, particularly since it is a true story.
Dinner never quite happened, although my friend Andrew did call with an invitation to crab dinner. I stocked up on groceries though, in case I felt like hibernating and needed sustenance. Passed out fairly early at about 2200.
This morning Alex phoned me at 830am telling me he was in town and had brought LL for me, and some other dolls. I couldn't make a decision at that early hour without caffeine rushing through my brain so he offered to call back at lunch.
Thankfully by the time I reached the office, I texted him and we arranged to meet at Novena Square at 1230. I ooohed and ahhhed over the gorgeous Blythes and picked up in addition to LL, 3 others, including one I'd never seen before: Forest Clover. It totally made my day!
This afternoon I finished reading Reborn by F. Paul Wilson for the third time. It is the 2nd book in the Adversary series and although one of the weakest, it was pleasantly familiar to revisit in the whole scheme of things.
Took a nap with Boy and Sam beside me, played WoW for a couple of hours (visited Arathi Highlands to get the heads of 3 ogres and a human), did some work, then made soup for dinner and settled down to watch The Punisher for the second time.
It is probably one of the most underrated Marvel movie but probably the most powerful and gritty. Frank Castle is, to my knowledge, the only Marvel character in film without special powers and that makes him especially unique.
Tuxie just swatted some invisible bug on the wall and sped off to chase Buffy overturning half the house. Just a regular Saturday at the Five Cats household. :)
We got to the hospital at about 9.45am where my sister and Dad were already waiting to see the doctor. Dad had had his ECG already and finished reading the papers. Nothing much in it, he said. No point buying today.
The doctor was a young chappie who graduated from the UK. He was very thorough and asked Dad lots of questions about his condition. My sister and I filled in the blanks. He said they needed more information and ordered a bunch of tests.
I went to collect Dad's medication (a just-in-case med in case he felt like he was having a heart attack). I made sure Dad remembered the instructions: take one and put it under your tongue if you feel breathless. If it doesn't stop, take another in 5 minutes. If you have to take 3, sit down or lie down and call the ambulance or have someone drive you to A&E. He put the bottle in his pocket.
The nurse was really cool and got us an appointment next week to do his next rounds of tests and also to see the next doctor. We left feeling buoyed and in good hands.
Lunch was vegetarian bee hoon for me at the market. I felt like a better person not having killed any animal to sustain myself for this meal.
My aunt is taking Dad and Mom out for lunch today. I'm sure they'll have a great time.
It's 2.19am and I am reluctant to sleep. I don't know why. The cats have been fed and locked up for the night and Boy is joyfully pacing around his reclaimed territory. What is it about the weekend that makes one reluctant to turn in?
"To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness." -- Bertrand Russell
"Non-violence leads to the highest ethics, which is the goal of all evolution. Until we stop harming all other living beings, we are still savages."
-- Thomas Edison (Harper's Magazine, 1890)
A woman's romance with motherhood, green living, finance, and this heady thing called life.
